I was perusing social media the other day when I came across something that actually made me laugh out loud. A woman was standing next to a sign that read, “Parenting was so much easier when I raised my non-existent children hypothetically!” That saying struck such a chord with me! I remember being pregnant with my first child thinking I would have an all-natural childbirth, feed him mostly organic, limit his screen time, and read to him every chance I got. I thought it was just so simple to cultivate a curious and bright mind, healthy body, and proper manners – all because I was so very driven to do so and set a good example. While my expectations and executions of parenting aren’t entirely off target, suffice it to say that I’ve realized raising children in today’s world requires a proper mix of creativity, constant self-assurance, iron-clad patience, and an old-school simplicity that sometimes I often forget about among the midst of parenting books and opinions. I do the best I can, but I’m nowhere near the “dream” mother I so hoped I’d be.
I was in my parent’s basement the other day and came across a parenting book from the 1970s. My mother had read it while she was pregnant with my brother over 40 years ago. I was immediately enthralled with the book with its yellow cover and engraved title, but wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Could parenting advice be drastically different in this era – which isn’t entirely that long ago? Would the authors place an astronomical amount of domestic responsibility and child-raising success on the mother only? Would they harp on the child reaching every milestone in a timely fashion, complete with a smile on his/her face? My curiosity couldn’t be contained, and I started reading the aged pages the first chance I could.
Well, it turns out this book has been one of the most informative and well-written parenting sources I ever could’ve imagined. It places a large emphasis on the parent’s own intuition and intelligence, prompting both parents to understand their own views of the world and ways of thinking before expecting anything of their children. I’ve already been parenting this way with my own children, even before fully realizing it. For instance, I inherently place a large emphasis on nutrition and creativity, because these are things that are important to me. I love for my kids to at least try and eat a variety of foods and not just live on chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese, although I’m sure many days they would be happy to do so. This means I take a lot of time to prepare them hot meals and cut up their fruits and veggies on the regular.
I also try to foster their independence and creativity. There’s been many times I let them run amuck in the yard, play in the mud, and get paint all over the place – even when it’s inconvenient for me – just because I feel like the fresh air, creative outlets, and independence are critical for them. It means more baths and cleaning for me, but these are things that are important to me and should be important for them, too.
And yet my efforts in some areas have only heightened my weaknesses in others. In the midst of all this, other priorities and milestones have taken a back seat. For instance, my 3 and ½ year old has yet to be fully potty trained. He wears a pull-up, but has shown absolutely no desire to use the potty despite many creative approaches and will actually put up a fight. Is it completely awful that he hasn’t reached this milestone yet? Not entirely, at least according to the book. And – more importantly – not entirely according to my own intuition either. Deep down inside I know that he’ll use the potty when he’s good and ready. Him being potty trained would make things a lot easier for me on a daily basis. However, examining my own values and principals, I know there are other things right now that I’d like to instill in my children that are taking precedence and using up my energy. I also understand the importance in listening to and letting the child dictate sometimes. And – contrary to what I once thought – I can’t do it all and be the perfect mom, nor will my children be perfect either. Parenting is a rough reflection of what’s important to, well, the parent.
I mentioned something about old-school simplicity earlier. We live in an age right now where social media serves as a 24/7 influx of ideas, opinions, and persuasions, whether we feel that’s entirely true or not. Did you ever see the movie, “Josie and the Pussycats,” from the early 2000s? You might be wondering where I’m heading with his, especially if you didn’t see it! The movie is mostly silly, but a major part is the fact that big name companies were advertising their products through subliminal messages found in mainstream music. For instance, if you changed the frequency of one of Josie’s songs, you’d hear the advertisements attempting to get the listener to buy more product.
Okay, so I know this is a bit of a stretch, but too much social media influence strangely reminds me of this movie. The pictures, stories, quotes, and advertisements we see online have an almost subliminal way of molding, changing, or enforcing our own ideas and theories about the world, especially if we find it hard to disengage sometimes. Social media can be fun and lighthearted – the way it’s intended to be – but getting too wrapped up in other people’s lives can have an almost detrimental effect on our own. Celebrities and pseudo-celebrities are not perfect. Admiring people for superficial “accomplishments” only isn’t really all that healthy. Somewhere along the line we have to stay true to our own core values, and this pertains to parenting, too. We also have to take social media for what it is – it’s a fun way to stay connected (and remember birthdays!), but not a guide for our own lives.
Simplicity in all aspects of life really is best sometimes. Children need fresh air, good food, time to play and get messy, and lots of cuddles and love. They need a peaceful household – they don’t need to see their parents fighting all the time or a lot of unnecessary violence on TV. Most importantly, they need to see their parents happy. When I feel like I’ve been failing as a mom, this usually helps to remind me that maybe I’m doing better than I think.
I believe the key to parenting healthy is to parent how you feel best. It doesn’t mean avoiding help or advice or cringing any time the stranger in aisle 6 offers their own words of wisdom. It simply means taking all the information you can get, but using your own autonomy, intuition, and intelligence to formulate a way of parenting that’s right for you and your child. As much as I love the book that I’ve unearthed from the depths of my parent’s basement, I’ve learned that there is really no such thing as a guide to healthy, successful parenting. No matter how old your children are, you just have to love them and do your best.
I hope all the mothers had a wonderful Mother’s Day and all the dads enjoy their Father’s Day!
